I am, therefor I think
Age 30, Male
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Akita, Japan
Joined on 7/30/08
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Deathcon7
Lots of dialog, which is great! It's the point of the exercise. You get the mood, and you get the different personalities. You accomplished two of the challenges. Awesome job.
Just a few points to address, you want to ensure that you keep your perspective straight. Jumping between Raymond and the Elf made understanding who said or thought something a bit confusing. You also want to maintain character within narrative as well. An example would be with the dog pissing in someone's yard. Typically things like "yard," which assume ownership of land, is a construct of our society and is very odd being narrated from the elf's perspective. As, when I was reading it, that's who I thought was speaking.
Other than that, well done. And thanks for participating.
Sharu
Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it!
I definitely see where you're coming from on the yard point, and I completely overlook that aspect of it. I did intend the elf to be speaking then, and I see the disparity in the voice. Making a good analogy doesn't work if the analogy doesn't fit the person speaking. :)
Again, thanks, I'm glad you liked it, and I hope to be able to participate in the future as well!